My dirty little secrets

My partner is being supportive. Even if he doesn't feel I need to do this. My immediate family has been very positive also. I haven't told anyone else. I'm too worried about what people will think. Will they think I'm copping out and taking an easy option? I'm not convinced that surgery is the easiest option :) We haven't told my partner's family yet. We spend time with them once a week for a family meal so I'm going to have to explain my new and strange eating habits.

I haven't told anyone at work what I'm having surgery for. More surprisingly, no one has asked! I know they are all dying to find out but most have been more worried that I'm sick or have something wrong with me than asking what the operation is for. I have told them I'm having an operation. Obviously I have to explain my absence from work.

None of my friends know yet. I've been planning social events in the lead up and having to arrange around the week of meal replacements and the week of sick leave without telling them I'm having a lap band put in.

I'm not sure when I'll tell them. I'm not even sure why I feel so strange about telling people. I think it's because I don't want the extra pressure. If I'm struggling with the band and not losing weight as fast as I'd hoped I don't want people thinking that I'm a failure because people with stomach bands should lose weight easily. I also don't want them to judge me. I don't want them to be thinking 'well, why didn't she just go on a diet and excercise more?'. They don't know that I've been on a million diets. Lost weight and then just put it all back on again when I start eating "normally" again.

I love food. That is going to be the hardest thing about this process. That's why I got into this mess in the first place. I love the taste, the texture, the presentation. It's going to be really tough to change that way of thinking. I'm hoping that the band will help me do that. It will help me by not allowing me to eat as much. It will physically stop me eating too much. And this, I hope, will help me realise that food isn't everything. That it's just fuel and there are a lot more interesting things to do with your life than eating.